Cold Rain, Warm Hearts
by embracing-shadows
Summary: Sitting in the rain waiting for someone to love, Sirius only finds what he needs when the sun is shining


Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot!

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Who ever said sunshine was happiness never danced in the rain. It was that saying that stuck in Sirius' head as he sat on the edge of the Black Lake, letting the rain fall down on him in a steady pounding rhythm. Sirius loved the rain. He loved the soft caressing feel of it. He loved the pattering sound of it. He liked how it was cold and melancholy. He liked how it hid his tears. His shoes had been left back in the dormitory, but he burrowed his feet in to the harsh grit of the shoreline to keep them warm, scraping much of the skin off. He didn't feel it, really. The sky overhead was a dark and angry gray, mirroring the angry blackness of the lake and its boiling waves, kicked up by a fitful wind.

Sirius let the wind pull his wet hair in odd directions, most of it sticking still to his head. His clothes were soaked through and his body was covered in gooseflesh from the chill. But this was how he liked it. When it was so cold and wet that it almost hurt, and he felt lonesome and forgotten. That's how he always felt, but here in the rain the feeling intensified. Sirius Black had no one, no one to take him in out of the rain, no one to care. Of course, there was only one he wanted to care. With a great sigh, the seventeen-year-old boy gazed up and squinted in to the crying sky.

James was not gay. Sirius was gay. James loved Lily. Sirius loved James. That's how simple the situation was. And yet it was always the simplest things that become the most complicated. It was getting harder and harder for Sirius to smile for James when he knew James would never smile for him. Lately it was easier to turn away. It hurt less to walk away now, to just leave. Of course Remus had asked questions, but he knew the truth, and understood what Sirius had to do. In a few weeks they would graduate, and he would never see James again, because the other boy would forget him in his love for Lily. That was why he sat here in the rain, letting it wash him clean and wishing to drown. He imagined falling back and letting the rain wash his soul right out of his body, freeing his mind forever and freeing James to love whomever he wished with no one to hold him back. The shorter teen didn't even know how Sirius felt. He was so wrapped up in that _girl_ that he saw nothing else.

The waves were growing taller, and had begun lapping at Sirius' toes, washing away the dirt covering them. The lonely boy didn't even flinch when he realized he could no longer feel them. Nor could he feel the tips of his fingers. Or his heart. He supposed it was still beating, but it had hurt for so long he was sure it beat irregularly. It did skip a beat every time he saw his unrequited love. Which was every day, more than once a day. He suddenly realized that he was shivering violently, his body protesting the cold and wet, but he ignored it. His shirt had no sleeves and his legs were half exposed in their shorts, but in the back of his mind Sirius had a wild hope that he would catch hypothermia. James hated the hospital wing; he wouldn't go there. And Sirius would be spared the pain of seeing him fawn over that…that…_girl_. Even in his thoughts he couldn't insult her. She was perfect, and it tore him in two to admit it. He'd scrutinized her and investigated her for weeks, searching the gossip circles, before admitted defeat. Lily Evans was a much better catch that himself; she was beautiful, smart, charming, and refined. How could an average, dull-witted, crude person like him compete with that? Not at all, was the answer that he had come to many times.

Again he surfaced from his thoughts only to realize that he couldn't stop the violent shakes wracking his being. He tried to focus his eyes and saw that his vision was blurred. He couldn't feel anything, and he began to feel quite sleepy. It hit him like a ton of bricks: hypothermia actually had set in. Sirius might actually die. He realized that he was past the point of no return. He had crossed in to the state in which he could no longer save himself without so much as a thought. The world rushed by and he found himself on his back, watching the angry sky rain down on his broken self. Wet, squelching footsteps were running his way and a familiar voice was calling out.

"Sirius! Sirius, no!" the voice called. A blurry shape dropped next to him and he blinked his eyes in that direction. Remus. Someone had come? Sirius could hear his pleas and panicked cries but he no longer had the power to respond. He listened as they slowly faded, and his vision weakened. Then there was blackness, and it swallowed him whole. Sirius drifted off willingly, knowing James would never know.

His eyes opened again to find that the gray had been swept away by overwhelming white. The hospital wing had a slight scent of lemon, and Sirius had a fleeting feeling of being cheated. He hadn't really wished for death, but for a few moments it had seemed like such an easy, welcome solution. It was not as if this world needed him for anything. Sirius flexed his fingers and toes to find that he had not lost any, all had feeling back, but both his feet were covered in bandages. That was fine. The more the bandages, the longer the stay in the hospital.

A quick scan told Sirius that he was the only one here, so he settled deeper in to the soft mattress and looked out the window just as a giant bolt of lightening crashed in to the grounds, blowing a hole in the turf. The teen was surprised. He had to have been out for a while, and not only was the storm still here, but it had gotten much worse! The rain was torrential and the wind was shrieking insanely, rattling the windowpane. Sirius sat back. The storm was comforting, for some reason, though he couldn't say why.

Suddenly a different kind of crash resounded throughout the room as the door to the wing was kicked open violently. Sirius whipped his head over to find a very angry and very beautiful James Potter storming towards him, looking perfect in ways not even Evans could accomplish. The taller boy shrank in to his bed. He had thought he would be safe here, of all places, from James. But apparently Merlin was looking down upon him with a hateful glance, because the shorter boy marched right up to Sirius' bed and glared down at him.

"What the _hell_ is _wrong_ with you?!" James exclaimed loudly. He had obviously been storming around fighting with himself not to come here and yell, and just as obviously lost that fight. His hair was worse than normal, his glasses were askew, and his tie was bizarre. Sirius found that he couldn't meet the boy's gaze, so he stared at the bed behind him, not answering.

"Were you _trying_ to kill yourself?" his friend demanded. Sirius choked a little, but couldn't find an honest answer because, honestly, he wasn't really sure. James seemed to get even more frustrated by his failure to answer.

"ANSWER ME!" he boomed, perfectly in time with a lightening bolt hurtling in to grounds, close to the window. Sirius stammered a bit in fright and confusion.

"I don't…I don't know…" he whispered. James' eyes flared.

"I deserve better Sirius! You've cut me out of your life, you owe me an explanation of yourself at least," he raged. Sirius felt his eyes begin to water, but he refused to cry. He only cried in the rain, where no one could see. Desperate, he rolled out of the bed, barely noticing he was clad in hospital white pants and shirt.

"I'm sorry," he whispered before he bolted, James' angry cries following him out the door. His eyes burned again and Sirius ran faster. Not yet, not yet, he prayed, wait for the rain. James was lost in the maze of hallways, far behind the faster Sirius, but Sirius could hear a series of thunderclaps shaking the world from its roots. Just as his vision was blurring with the held-back tears, he burst outside in to the storm, but now he shuddered in the cold. The tears finally escaped and rolled down his face, but they mingled with rainwater and were therefore disguised as he leaned against the stone castle walls. He had almost relaxed in to crying when James showed up, crackling with anger.

"SIRIUS BLACK!" he screamed, punctuated by a lightening bolt. "_How could you_?" he advanced quickly and, without warning, punched Sirius right in the eye, making him whirl and hit the turf. Finally Sirius felt his own anger spark. He looked over his shoulder, up at his attacker.

"I didn't do a damn thing to you James Potter!" he yelled back. James screamed wordlessly, venting his anger, and thunder rumbled up from the deepest hells.

"How could you turn your back on me without a word? How could you leave me, Sirius? I needed you and you abandoned me!" James was in full voice now, deep as if the thunder were his yells. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and faced the dirt, still on his hands and knees.

"You have _never_ needed me!" he screamed back. There was silence from behind him. Even the storm seemed to pause at his words. The thunder finally ceased booming. Sirius couldn't stop himself from sobbing, screwing up his face against the pain inside that threatened to explode his heart. His crying was loud and broken and seemed to last forever in the absence of any other sound.

Finally a quiet voice came from behind him, "How could you think that?" The anger had seeped out of James' voice, yet Sirius could not stop his tears. He cried so hard it took him a moment to notice that the rain had stopped. He was exposed for all the world to see. A hand grabbed him and pulled him up, and Sirius found himself on his feet facing his oldest friend.

"How could you think I never needed you? I…I always need you…" James was losing intensity fast, but Sirius was so conflicted he was ready to burst.

"You don't need me, James. You need her. You need that _girl_, not me. I hope you're happy, I really do. I promise." His words came out harsh and thick and Sirius could not have cared less. He didn't care that he was finally baring his soul for James, laying himself out so he could be trampled. Maybe this would be the closure that he needed. But instead of anger, James responded with surprise.

"I don't understand, Padfoot," he admitted, making the taller Gryffindor snarl.

"Don't call me that. Not now. You can't call me that and love her in the same breath. Not anymore." Sirius looked up and watched understanding dawn in the other teen's eyes, and decided he didn't want to wait around for the reaction. "So just go," he whispered, turning to leave himself. He was stopped by a hand on his wrist. He raised his eyes heavenward, praying for strength, and noticed in passing that the clouds were leaving.

"I never needed her, Sirius," James confessed in a low, frightened voice. "I needed you. I needed you because…I love you." It was a slow, quiet declaration, but it almost stopped Sirius' heart. He turned back to James, a reluctant and painful hope daring to grow in his eyes.

"You what?" he whispered. James swallowed hard.

"I…_fuck_!" he suddenly grabbed Sirius' face and crashed their lips together, kissing him as if the world would end. Sirius forgot how to breathe. In fact, he forgot how to think, blink, live, or _be_. All he knew were James' lips moving on his in a way as perfect as James himself. He fought not to move, not wanting to ruin the moment by reminding James just whom it was he was kissing. Finally they broke apart, both boys gasping. Sirius could only stare, the hope growing despite what his head was trying to tell him. James stood close to him, looking him in the eye.

"A prophet once told me, when I was a boy, that I would produce a child that would change the world. He said that I would know the intended girl immediately, and if the child were not born it could be the destruction of mankind as we know it, for he will save the world. I thought it was silly. I thought it was even sillier when I fell in love with you, meaning I was gay. But then I saw Lily Evans, saw her throwing her head back laughing, and all of a sudden I saw a different face. It was the face of a boy my age. He looked just like me, but with her eyes and a funny scar on his forehead. It had to be true. So I tried to woo her, although I admit I went at it wrongly on purpose, hoping that fate was wrong and that I was meant to be with you. But you…" the shorter boy trailed off, his eyes filling with pain.

"But I walked away…" Sirius finished for him quietly, looking down in shame. "I was jealous. I thought that you were so wrapped up in her…it hurt Prongs. Every time I saw you it was like I died. That's why I was out in the rain. I wasn't looking to die, but when I thought I would I…well I couldn't help but accept it. I didn't think you'd look at me the way you looked at her." Sirius looked up to find James smiling now. A bird chirped somewhere in the background.

"Of course I wouldn't look at you that way," James said with aplomb. "The look I give her has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with duty." Sirius grinned shyly. Then James' smile softened and he tilted his head to capture Sirius' lips again. The sun burst out and shone down on them as they lost themselves in each other. Maybe there was someone to bring him in out of the rain, Sirius thought. Maybe there was someone to care. They would deal with Evans and the prophecy later. For now, things were finally right, and they were finally happy.

Not too far away, Remus and Lily looked on as the two boys made up for lost time, both of them smiling. The story of the prophet that James had met rang in Lily's ears and she smiled at the irony often found in life. As a little girl, she had seen the same prophet and been told the same thing. When she had seen James for the first time, dueling Snape, she'd had a vision of another young Potter in the midst of a momentous duel, one that would change history. So she had played along when she thought he was in love with her, all the while in love with another, the same as him. A hand entwined with hers and she turned to smile a Remus.

"Thank you for saving him Remus," she said. "I think we've finally put everything right." She was rewarded with a smile that made her knees weak.

"But what about the prophecy?" Remus enquired, always thinking of a plan B, which was one of the things she loved about him.

"There are muggle ways to get around that. Don't worry love. Everything is going to be all right, I think." Lily leaned over to place her lips over Remus', and the two couples allowed their hearts to soar.


End file.
